Like My Dad

I think that my grandma doesn't actually tell you what she's doing to you and just does it.  Just because of the "n" word thing, I think she has become more critical concerning me but does things she'd do anyway regardless of me.  She acts sorry after she seems upset with me.  My family questions my existence.  That is completely inappropriate and out of the question.  I hardly relate to my brother.  It's big I let him have his life.  I even go outwards from people I'm related to.  I am a real person.  I even live with magic.  I see things in patterns.  I do the right thing...  I don't see what the big deal is, with someone, about a kid's existence.  I feel a bit arrested about my brother having kids, like he's mad at me about something someone I know did... like I did it on purpose.  He can chose to react how he wants.  That's his fault, but in a way I guess it's really no one's fault.

I don't see ... well, I see people are excited to critique me and have trashed my life in some literal or abstract sense, literally.

I see that people don't care that they're not prepared to do something very complex.  I am thinking of Chloë Moretz.  She moved to NYC.  She doesn't think and figure like me.  Then, I'm thinking of Ellen DeGeneres.  She doesn't, neither.  I think I'm not getting quite right out of the show what seems important, thinking of things like this, which makes me concerned, about her.

So, people just don't want me to get attention.

Hm.  I am curious.

I don't like this.  I mean, people don't want me to exist.  They think I am a sin and that all I deserve is Hell.  All I can say is I don't approve of what all they do...  :/  Hm.  Maybe, I'm making some of it up.  People just don't get I didn't want to do the "n" word thing and explained how it could be avoided, but I was convinced, literally, that words are just words.  I would never use the "n" word on someone, but I thought someone since using the word gay wanted to get me to use the "n" word on their kid online.  I think that them calling the older kid, a boy, gay, would affect them.

Well, ... I think a lot of people like me and admire me.  People think what I do is just sin.  I don't really want my life to be cheap.  I want it to be real.

I am curious.  There aren't many kids in my family my age nor older.  I did not chose to be born.  That's all.

People seem big on the idea that working is the only thing that matters.

People think that it's unfair I exist.  I've always paved the way for others to get attention from those that I love.  Now, people are trying to like get me not to take up space.  I was in college.

It's funny, you know, I have 2 aunts on my dad's side, and they didn't have kids until after me because for some reason it seems they didn't marry and have kids younger.  On my mom's side, I have an aunt who is 16 years older than me.  She lives in Indonesia, and I asked my mom how many recently born sons she has, but she said she only had 3 when she had I think 5.

People have treated me like I'm a sin.  Thank you so much for the "n" word situation, like I'm bad enough to represent I'd do that otherwise.  It might not be tactful for me to say, but I'm just saying in general.  It shouldn't be anyone's fault.  Who knew?  I did.

People have mistreated me all my life.  It's like they think they're a person and I'm not.

Thinking, I can see now that maybe my life is fun.  I can live with my parents if I want.  It seems that my life is empty.

... You know ... Hey, if my life is a sin, then whose isn't?

It's funny, in my family my parents are closer to their families than me, though I live with them and go out with my dad, often.  I don't know why it seems that ... I am very curious about the sexual relationship of my parents.  You know, I don't feel much...  Hm.  Ever since that lady looked at me funnily when I was thinking a good thought I stopped feeling much.

I don't believe that I deserve anything bad.  I've been mistreated, but I'm pretty much on target personality-wise compared to other people.

People just pick at what doesn't seem attractive in me.

PEOPLE I AM NOT A SIN.

People care about others more than me and don't realize that until they've done their deed.

I am not worthless.  I have made it.

I had to make myself a person.  Wow, do to me what you sin.  It's no secret.  Sometimes, you say things, when things are harder than they should be, but people have been picking at me like I don't mean anything.  I do everything for a reason when I can't figure it out.  Don't go in secret and be dishonest with me.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I know people who have.  I guess people just don't want me to exist.  Why not rat on some other person?  Don't think you own me.  I am not a sin, and even if I was had in sin it wouldn't matter.  People need a guide, so they need me.  How sick is that?  I mean, it's funny they think that's not okay, that like if I got more attention people wouldn't be as jealous because they'd be more like me in ways of things they don't understand.  People in this area ...

Ugh!

Even kids think they can outdo me, but I just chose not to ruin their life.  I do things in silence!

I am curious that some people think they can control your life.  It seems like it's people who know more about you.  I wonder why I am so easy to control.  I wanted to live life like everyone else, but it seems I was not bestowed with love, properly, like I've been tossed around emotionally.

If my parents had me in sin does not mean I can be tortured.  You don't do this to anyone else, and it's all because of the pointless "n" word thing.

Wow, thanks for ruining my life.  It's not my fault you are like complaining about your life.

Even my dad gets bored of me.  In ways, he doesn't.

I'm mad now about the "n" word thing on my birthday.  That lady.  Ugh...

I'm wondering why my parents had me, and I guess it was to be proud of their kids and show off how our life is but still say like I don't count because I'm Chinese and Chinese are always good, like I wasn't good on my own.  Like it's unfair to other kids.  I guess people see others having kids and decide to follow and make their kids one step better.  It's better in what they consider better, which is probably just a difference from other parents.

Now, I'm thinking.  People seem to think I'm bad.  I am thinking of something that happened as a coincidence or outside advising.  It was something that was said that relates to this.  I went to the concert of an Irish singer.  I follow her online, but she doesn't post there much anymore.  I hadn't gotten her Christmas CD yet because I never had enough money and was intimidated to ask my parents for any money.  So, at the concert, my dad bought it for me.  So, I didn't want to have her see I hadn't seen her CD yet because she'd recognize me.  I had been posting on her site, too, which I assume no one cared about it'd seem, just to socialize as people do.  So, maybe not the best experience, sharing things with her fans.  So, anyway, my dad and aunt told me to get the Christmas CD signed, so I did.  So, it wasn't really my fault.  I didn't know quite how bad it was if I thought it was bad and I was told very much to get it signed.  Now, people think I'm worthless and simple and have been able to read into me.  It's like ...

Okay, so people because of the "n" word thing are going into in great length and experience that they, well can't get everything, but that they're in the right and I'm in the wrong.  -Not to jump at anything: I know that's not what we learn is right, not what we learn in church, neither.  I don't deserve to be treated like this.  I knew what I was doing.  It's hard on me, though, anyone would know.

Ah!  I forgot what else I was going to say.

Oh, I don't believe ...

Oh, so you want to know why I brought up some things?  I figured I was considered worthless for the CD thing, that I had no point in existing.  It's because I was thought I was worthless.  I don't know, though.

Fine, go ahead and call me a nigger.  I'm not gonna be one.  I'd rather be called one.

So, anyway, it seems people have always assured me when I inquired that I was good, but now they're secretly punishing me because they know I can figure myself out of any guilt.  I never even did anything wrong on purpose.  I did what I was supposed to do and was not told otherwise.  People are too lazy to care about what bothers them.

In school, we didn't do much, neither.

So, I don't approve of the perverted messages I get and people thinking they can get away with saying they respect me.  It's just because of the thing where I didn't feel well in college probably because people were going crazy over Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Danny Elfman for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I guess people will have to ... I dunno.

And then the "n" word thing.  It seems all people want is to insult me.  Why don't people get someone acted like they wanted to do it TO LEARN.  I didn't do it at first because I was like okay I'll just get called that back, DUH.  I don't even need to think about that.  Yes, they wanted it.  I wouldn't do it for anyone now, though, like to get me in trouble.

I really am not a bad person.  I always cared that I was doing the right thing.  I don't know why people are so racist against me.

People have always treated me like a nigger.  It's very hard to not be affected because I was.  My life wasn't so great.  I don't know how to feel anymore, affectively.  I feel better, though.  Maybe, I need a break from what things were like.  It's all because of the racism online and what happened in real life that I got kicked out of my major and voice lessons.  I really believed my life was an experiment and then that things were magic.  Still, there are reasons and I've sorta whipped the thinking into shape.  You don't make it so that it's all set up you want someone to do something you don't want them to do that they can't tell.  I wasn't able to think it through.  It was in case I would do it by accident.  It seems that people upon meeting me felt more encouraged to rub in feelings.  I'll just have to ignore that and just hope no one affects my life.  It's sick people think they can actually plot against me.  I guess I'm just a good person.

I feel ignored because people have families.  I'm not really with my parents so so much.  I do it because it's good quality time.  I am a worldly person, though, but it's true I don't get much in way of feelings in my time in the world and now no fun.  I'm not sure in lieu what's wrong.

I used to go to clubs every night.  I was well-liked.

I like all people a lot, but I feel I can't be trusted.

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