Tuesday, June 12, 2012
You know, I could actually connect
to Orlando thinking I lived in a place in like mid-Southeastern Florida.
Maybe, if I go jog
it'd have to come back to me. I might play on the internet 1st. Time for more supper.
I lost some sense
of connecting to an idea of having kids with grandkids.
It feels like it evaporated or something. I was being pretty good, but I think people are digging into my past that has been settled already. If you can't settle something but say you have you can't go back on someone and bring up something like that. I mean you could, but it'd not be the right thing to do.
It feels like it evaporated or something. I was being pretty good, but I think people are digging into my past that has been settled already. If you can't settle something but say you have you can't go back on someone and bring up something like that. I mean you could, but it'd not be the right thing to do.
What did I do?
I feel I was ambushed today. People get so mad at just me if I sound a little peeved.
When will I have a good day, again?
I was supposed to go to a visiting group, but I was just getting new profiles and have to eat supper. I didn't take a shower because I was waking up each hour trying to get a profile I lost count of for some reason. Ah! I haven't been doing ballet, neither, which costs money. I have to be careful. I think the group meets an hour a week.
I guess
So, I got some new profiles and am about to go have supper.
I was just saying what happened. It may not be perfect.
I was just saying what happened. It may not be perfect.
Indulging in Sin
It seems my mom rats all the ill feelings she has taken advantage with over my by her own chance to my brother and has been since we moved from Florida when he was only 7 and I was still 12.
Game
People are getting carried away these days pretending they were coy in like with non-Caucasians or in general I guess that they will act like, at least for now it working, they don't need to do anything fun. Well, I just noticed, and it's a worthy topic. I decided to pinpoint it.
How fun is this televised?
People think they are over and above you, but in reality that's not quite how it is.
It seems everyone is mistaken
that they're always right just because someone else did something wrong.
I'm tired of
being looked at as a lunatic.
I'm tired of getting messages of being punished just because someone made me think they wanted me to call them the "n" word. Even if they didn't do it on purpose, which I'm sure this was all on purpose. I don't know that they knew what I'd do, but they seemed to try to knock me out that it's so important to see what would happen about this person I called the "n" word online that they would sacrifice my dignity and then claim it never happened like that. I know I thought about this earlier, but I didn't because I knew they could call me it back, but the messages didn't stop and they really wanted it. Now, other people are against me.
I'm tired of getting messages of being punished just because someone made me think they wanted me to call them the "n" word. Even if they didn't do it on purpose, which I'm sure this was all on purpose. I don't know that they knew what I'd do, but they seemed to try to knock me out that it's so important to see what would happen about this person I called the "n" word online that they would sacrifice my dignity and then claim it never happened like that. I know I thought about this earlier, but I didn't because I knew they could call me it back, but the messages didn't stop and they really wanted it. Now, other people are against me.
I can't help but feel I'm getting the cold shoulder
for thinking someone wanted me to call them the "n" word.
So, I just didn't get a new profile...
http://www.imdb.com/user/ur34343434/boards/profile
How do you think I feel?
It was funny. I had it on the wrong number but figured it out, that I had too many digits, because I was gonna post about how I was mad.
How do you think I feel?
It was funny. I had it on the wrong number but figured it out, that I had too many digits, because I was gonna post about how I was mad.
Oh yea
I had pet my brother, which I usually don't because anyway we're not together much, and my dad seemed upset and said that's a cute baby when I saw one hanging on a sling or whatever.
I was just acting normally to my brother, not trying to encourage him to be mean to my dad. The idea just came up.
My parents seem to play around with me not doing something a certain way the first time.
Also, like, my dad decided to be non-conforming in some ways socially, well not really, but like it's not okay to touch someone when they do something wrong or something.
I was just acting normally to my brother, not trying to encourage him to be mean to my dad. The idea just came up.
My parents seem to play around with me not doing something a certain way the first time.
Also, like, my dad decided to be non-conforming in some ways socially, well not really, but like it's not okay to touch someone when they do something wrong or something.
Perturbed
So, my brother was walking funnily at the mall, like I said, so I shoved a bit against him walking through some tables and got in front. We had just gotten yogurt.
I guess my dad knew. I'm feeling funny about it, now. I don't like being picked on because I'm not perfect. I can't help it. I try to be, but sometimes I'm not. There's no hope for the future if people chose to linger on things like this. It's not like they get in trouble when they're wrong and affect others's lives.
I want to be a movie star, an actress, and it seems like my dad thought of TV and movie after I did that. Then, some workers at the restaurants at the mall sounded like they said, some overly exuberant girl "stinky" like "is it STINKY" in great pleasure. I think the guy who made the noise got in trouble, too.
Also, at Disney, once, Epcot, the whole family came this time and my brother pushed his food against my dads's. He was supposed to move it or something.
Lately, my dad's been taking on some traits of racist people, like we don't matter, but it's funny he's not always like that so then why be like that at all? I guess it's not normal to concentrate on race. He thinks he's not thinking of race when he does these things, though, so who knows?
I guess my dad knew. I'm feeling funny about it, now. I don't like being picked on because I'm not perfect. I can't help it. I try to be, but sometimes I'm not. There's no hope for the future if people chose to linger on things like this. It's not like they get in trouble when they're wrong and affect others's lives.
I want to be a movie star, an actress, and it seems like my dad thought of TV and movie after I did that. Then, some workers at the restaurants at the mall sounded like they said, some overly exuberant girl "stinky" like "is it STINKY" in great pleasure. I think the guy who made the noise got in trouble, too.
Also, at Disney, once, Epcot, the whole family came this time and my brother pushed his food against my dads's. He was supposed to move it or something.
Lately, my dad's been taking on some traits of racist people, like we don't matter, but it's funny he's not always like that so then why be like that at all? I guess it's not normal to concentrate on race. He thinks he's not thinking of race when he does these things, though, so who knows?
"The Ellen DeGeneres Show"
I didn't remember to record it manually Monday and it won't show on Thursday and Friday because of a golf game. Clips are posted online, usually, though.
Rest of the Night
Maybe, I'll go make some food to eat and watch "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
Ooh, I have some pictures and videos.
Ooh, I have some pictures and videos.
Ughh!
Now, I'm still haunted with my ideas of vile.
What happened to provoke this? Let's see, what else can I do? Some "things" are so bad that they might seem to fit the bill, but it still is unacceptable. I fear people will miss this. I know I was surrounded by kids always saying their parents or whoever is gonna kill them. I couldn't stand it. I worried one day I would be like that. I was a little as an adult but not exactly. Then, the "n" word thing happened and it really got to me. Gladly, the effects seem to be wearing off... ? I probably need to figure that out more. It seems no one cares about my hygiene issues, my getting uncomfortable often if I'm not fresh from the shower and home. I look funny sometimes after I go out and sometimes not. I had a good picture after going out for a smoothie and a walk around our old neighborhood with my brother, but only the 1st one was the best. I guess I could simply change my view and say just not to do something, but I just tried that and it didn't work. I get worked up when people get worked up over my imperfections as a perfectionist, though technically I'm more of a romantic type..
:'( You know, really, some people like that stuff, but obviously they do know that it isn't right. I know I'm getting better taking better care of myself.
It's sorta a dream the days between now and when I went to the mental hospital. I came back on a lotta medicine, which was reduced and once raised and then reduced again. My dad is having me split my pills and take them every day, whereas before I took one pill of a higher dosage every 3 days. I was doing good on my medicine and being in check talking to my grandma on the phone every day. I was taking a high dosage. We made a trip to a place we used to live I remember and then I got my medicine raised. The place though was the nation's oldest continuing city. It's probably because we didn't stay in the oldest school house long enough, my brother and I. Some people were coming in I guess, a lot of tan people.. My brother wanted to go. I told my mom before I officially stepped out something. The trip wasn't perfect in the end. I don't see why something always has to happen.
I got off my medicine and went back to the hospital and then had to take it again. I had a good time until my brother came home and then my birthday. Things seem a bit shaky now. I'm supposed to remember things, but I keep forgetting them. Orlando is a friendly place, a bit messed up though obviously. Like, not only do I need to remember, which I haven't thought of since saying so until now, to not get mad when people are thinking of some bad things but saying they don't mean any harm in thinking of these things here...
...you know, I remember now, pretty much if you step out of line in Florida that's the end. You get your dignity back if you meant well.
So, I'm supposed to not get mad at people.
Also, I'm pretty good at not thinking people are the "s" word. I had a problem with that for a time. Recently, though, thoughts of the "k" word have come up. I don't know what crazed me, but I think it's something that's going to be wearing off, too late as it is. I suppose there are some things that are unexpected. Like, what if someone hit the place in my body where my female things are? I probably would react with the "k" word in my head or push them. I kinda pushed my brother a bit when he was walking funny in front of me at the mall after we got something to eat, some yogurt. We all had yogurt like I wanted I just realized except my mom got Oriental food. I had just eaten I know, some leftovers I made. I suppose I've made a scenario where I'd use the "k" word in my head, so now maybe I won't. It's too bad I have it in me to fool around with that word. Right now, I'm petrified at the thought of it. You know, when I was jogging, there was a loud siren of an ambulance and maybe firetruck. I think I heard 2 or 3 police, as well during my jog, before that I think.
Today, also, I felt that my thoughts were to be smashed of having babies and grandchildren just because I was thinking of something critical. I feel I have "special" rules in the wrong way that don't make sense. I think people care if you're down like that, though. So, good thing I didn't do anything about that.
People sometimes seem to want to make me in trouble in ways that still don't make sense.
People seem to think it matters that I get ridiculed.
?
I think something bad is catching on. I'm a bit mad about the grandchildren thing. I was kinda mellow about it, at first. I guess it's kinda okay, but you know it's so bad that this happened. I know these people do get in trouble, but people act like they're so high and mighty. I guess I sorta mangled the whole idea, myself, you might say.
I'm not one to not say what's on my mind as though it'd mess something up. I suppose something's up... I dunno?.. I'm curious about these things because I wasn't brought up to hold things in when they're meant to be discussed, like I think I can think of what I want though I do gauge myself with dignity to not really think of certain things, so maybe I'll learn to be more tactual. *sigh*
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