Ughh!

Now, I'm still haunted with my ideas of vile.

What happened to provoke this?  Let's see, what else can I do?  Some "things" are so bad that they might seem to fit the bill, but it still is unacceptable.  I fear people will miss this.  I know I was surrounded by kids always saying their parents or whoever is gonna kill them.  I couldn't stand it.  I worried one day I would be like that.  I was a little as an adult but not exactly.  Then, the "n" word thing happened and it really got to me.  Gladly, the effects seem to be wearing off... ?  I probably need to figure that out more.  It seems no one cares about my hygiene issues, my getting uncomfortable often if I'm not fresh from the shower and home.  I look funny sometimes after I go out and sometimes not.  I had a good picture after going out for a smoothie and a walk around our old neighborhood with my brother, but only the 1st one was the best.  I guess I could simply change my view and say just not to do something, but I just tried that and it didn't work.  I get worked up when people get worked up over my imperfections as a perfectionist, though technically I'm more of a romantic type..

:'(  You know, really, some people like that stuff, but obviously they do know that it isn't right.  I know I'm getting better taking better care of myself.

It's sorta a dream the days between now and when I went to the mental hospital.  I came back on a lotta medicine, which was reduced and once raised and then reduced again.  My dad is having me split my pills and take them every day, whereas before I took one pill of a higher dosage every 3 days.  I was doing good on my medicine and being in check talking to my grandma on the phone every day.  I was taking a high dosage.  We made a trip to a place we used to live I remember and then I got my medicine raised.  The place though was the nation's oldest continuing city.  It's probably because we didn't stay in the oldest school house long enough, my brother and I.  Some people were coming in I guess, a lot of tan people..  My brother wanted to go.  I told my mom before I officially stepped out something.  The trip wasn't perfect in the end.  I don't see why something always has to happen.

I got off my medicine and went back to the hospital and then had to take it again.  I had a good time until my brother came home and then my birthday.  Things seem a bit shaky now.  I'm supposed to remember things, but I keep forgetting them.  Orlando is a friendly place, a bit messed up though obviously.  Like, not only do I need to remember, which I haven't thought of since saying so until now, to not get mad when people are thinking of some bad things but saying they don't mean any harm in thinking of these things here...

...you know, I remember now, pretty much if you step out of line in Florida that's the end.  You get your dignity back if you meant well.

So, I'm supposed to not get mad at people.

Also, I'm pretty good at not thinking people are the "s" word.  I had a problem with that for a time.  Recently, though, thoughts of the "k" word have come up.  I don't know what crazed me, but I think it's something that's going to be wearing off, too late as it is.  I suppose there are some things that are unexpected.  Like, what if someone hit the place in my body where my female things are?  I probably would react with the "k" word in my head or push them.  I kinda pushed my brother a bit when he was walking funny in front of me at the mall after we got something to eat, some yogurt.  We all had yogurt like I wanted I just realized except my mom got Oriental food.  I had just eaten I know, some leftovers I made.  I suppose I've made a scenario where I'd use the "k" word in my head, so now maybe I won't.  It's too bad I have it in me to fool around with that word.  Right now, I'm petrified at the thought of it.  You know, when I was jogging, there was a loud siren of an ambulance and maybe firetruck.  I think I heard 2 or 3 police, as well during my jog, before that I think.

Today, also, I felt that my thoughts were to be smashed of having babies and grandchildren just because I was thinking of something critical.  I feel I have "special" rules in the wrong way that don't make sense.  I think people care if you're down like that, though.  So, good thing I didn't do anything about that.


People sometimes seem to want to make me in trouble in ways that still don't make sense.

People seem to think it matters that I get ridiculed.

?

I think something bad is catching on.  I'm a bit mad about the grandchildren thing.  I was kinda mellow about it, at first.  I guess it's kinda okay, but you know it's so bad that this happened.  I know these people do get in trouble, but people act like they're so high and mighty.  I guess I sorta mangled the whole idea, myself, you might say.

I'm not one to not say what's on my mind as though it'd mess something up.  I suppose something's up... I dunno?..  I'm curious about these things because I wasn't brought up to hold things in when they're meant to be discussed, like I think I can think of what I want though I do gauge myself with dignity to not really think of certain things, so maybe I'll learn to be more tactual.  *sigh*