Saturday, June 16, 2012
Then, they get me to do it again to someone else...
...who seems to want it, pointedly, and then it's all over and accepted as something to take advantage of!
So, basically, these people say
I'm no good because I am privileged but "not all white.." But they then act like I should use a certain word and then act like it was wrong after I finally did it. It was in ways no one would probably see. Who knows, though. I ended up taking it back.
It was all planned out.
See, I never did anything wrong, to begin with! So, I am innocent.
I couldn't accept that I was called a nigger.
I see people set me up on purpose thinking they liked using bad words, so I used them with them.
1st, the daughter looked kinda not how she would like, but then she looked so glorious. It must have been planned out to do that after they get me to think they wanted me to call her the "n" word for fun! I KNOW IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO. I THOUGHT THEY WANTED IT AS AN EXCEPTION.
I couldn't accept that I was called a nigger.
I see people set me up on purpose thinking they liked using bad words, so I used them with them.
1st, the daughter looked kinda not how she would like, but then she looked so glorious. It must have been planned out to do that after they get me to think they wanted me to call her the "n" word for fun! I KNOW IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO. I THOUGHT THEY WANTED IT AS AN EXCEPTION.
I think I already cared to have things in place.
I'm not extra-late, am I? People keep thinking life is give and take and that some people are worse than others.
My Aim
is to just act normal and not get stimulated in inappropriate ways by the suggestions of my parents. I just have to ignore them, or they'll hurt me if I retaliate in my head. That's bad. I don't have to accept that. I don't want to call the police on them like they did with me when I was upset. I'm afraid that they'd call the police on me by making me forget not to get mad and will have gotten me mad. I just don't take this kind of fake humiliation. I don't have anything to be humiliated by. They just keep creating things, situations, that are to make me feel bad that aren't right. It's inappropriate. I've always been considered okay, but my dad just follows his instincts, like an animal, and was like acting like now my brother is better, when he's been bitter toward me and never takes any of my advice nor help, which he seems to beckon.
Back
Why does my mom keep acting now like I essentially don't care about anyone? She's been hanging out with my brother a lot. My brother used to have a problem with all of us, I guess me in particular for some reason though he's always wanted me out of my life, which is dorky because it was because he wanted his life to be mom and dad. He realized I was born 1st and though flawed had an easy life because he was willing to act tacky for my parents because we're mixed. :|
Back
Why does my mom keep acting now like I essentially don't care about anyone? She's been hanging out with my brother a lot. My brother used to have a problem with all of us, I guess me in particular for some reason though he's always wanted me out of my life, which is dorky because it was because he wanted his life to be mom and dad. He realized I was born 1st and though flawed had an easy life because he was willing to act tacky for my parents because we're mixed. :|
I've been very careful.
Why should I have grown up flawed? I guess some people are just complicated in certain ways.
I don't see what this nonsense is about.
I will get very mad if you try to mess with my female stuff.
People keep thinking it's okay to say things that stimulate me for some reason
... It just happens, but I don't go coocoo|wacko.
So, I've been having more quality time with my family and was just writing to my grandma finally about why I decided not to talk on the phone for awhile. I think my mom may be suggesting I'm not worth it and should just vacate. I think she keeps wishing I wasn't alive, like that's okay and I can't even react.
It's like I said, I'm not putting up with the "n" word mess that has been dumped on me. That means I didn't actually want to do it and was in a way told to, not just some fortune telling.
So, I've been having more quality time with my family and was just writing to my grandma finally about why I decided not to talk on the phone for awhile. I think my mom may be suggesting I'm not worth it and should just vacate. I think she keeps wishing I wasn't alive, like that's okay and I can't even react.
It's like I said, I'm not putting up with the "n" word mess that has been dumped on me. That means I didn't actually want to do it and was in a way told to, not just some fortune telling.
Don't blame me and take out your anger on me
and not others just because you find you're not at the top. I don't think you'd even be able to hurt other people if you did!
I know I know how to handle things and not curse.
It's just that recently I've found that curse words come up with me when I'm hurt. Well, recently, I meant like in the past maybe 2 years.
Rough Handling Ensues
Seriously, people are "letting" other people do whatever they want to me, telling me what I'm doing is never really right. For instance, one person does something and another gets mad at them as someone I look up to.
Obviously
what's been accomplished is that they're also affecting other people when they affect me, and my grandma did that, as well.
So, also, my aunt doesn't seem to like long e-mails from me. I made some incredibly short ones in the past, but this time I spoke a little more partly or mainly since I was onto something.
I don't feel the secret messages I'm getting from my dad are worth it, basically, nor so good. He seemed sensitive about my relationship with my mom, as well, in the past. I don't like how the "n" word thing has affected my life, at all.
So, also, my aunt doesn't seem to like long e-mails from me. I made some incredibly short ones in the past, but this time I spoke a little more partly or mainly since I was onto something.
I don't feel the secret messages I'm getting from my dad are worth it, basically, nor so good. He seemed sensitive about my relationship with my mom, as well, in the past. I don't like how the "n" word thing has affected my life, at all.
I thought we just said...
...my dad didn't really know what he was doing.
For some reason, after he informed me *** I felt stimulated after awhile.
I had a rough time when the psychiatric person came over. My dad did something that bothered me, but I don't remember what it was. Then he put his hands in his pocket when I looked at him. He left them in there and walked away to do something in the same area, while my mom for some reason engaged in socializing with the person who came, who was a bit reserved.
I know my dad was trying to bother me by having me remember what my mom does on Saturdays while we keep a low profile.
Also, once after he talked to his mom|my grandma, he started making noises and going in positions like someone was being stimulated. I had a bad day. He also on that point decided to maybe do kickboxing but instead is getting an exercise bike for Father's Day from probably Wal-Mart but was gonna go for Sports Authority.
He's crazy. He doesn't even realize how he doesn't approve of his new attitude on me.
Something he did had offended me recently, but I don't quite remember what it was, offhand.
For some reason, after he informed me *** I felt stimulated after awhile.
I had a rough time when the psychiatric person came over. My dad did something that bothered me, but I don't remember what it was. Then he put his hands in his pocket when I looked at him. He left them in there and walked away to do something in the same area, while my mom for some reason engaged in socializing with the person who came, who was a bit reserved.
I know my dad was trying to bother me by having me remember what my mom does on Saturdays while we keep a low profile.
Also, once after he talked to his mom|my grandma, he started making noises and going in positions like someone was being stimulated. I had a bad day. He also on that point decided to maybe do kickboxing but instead is getting an exercise bike for Father's Day from probably Wal-Mart but was gonna go for Sports Authority.
He's crazy. He doesn't even realize how he doesn't approve of his new attitude on me.
Something he did had offended me recently, but I don't quite remember what it was, offhand.
It's funny when you finally realize
you weren't put in the same position as me thinking someone wanted to have fun with the "n" word and have you call them it.
*rolls on tippy toes*
People actually create a set of rules they follow without thinking about anything else, even if these rules are not finished and polished.
College
Am thinking I will take English II in the Fall online at a community college I need grade forgiveness from for 6 courses and then College Algebra in the Spring. Online, too. It seems the tool I need is to get General Studies done and then coast on different major courses. It's a pity I'm 26. It seems like the way to go. Also, they just came out with a glow-in-the-dark Nook, so I'll spend a portion of my money on it next month.
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