I'm worried

my grandma will do something to make my future worse.  I don't need her to constantly get at me for things I've done in tight situations.  I even wonder if it's her fault these things happened.  I don't know why she desensitized me like that, must have startled me when I wasn't feeling so well.  I mean, I just lost everything.  It must have been not only the "n" word thing but in conjunction that with some things I said with my dad.  I don't know why I felt the need to say what I said.  It seems my dad liked being more open, but he doesn't say those kinds of things himself.  I was sorry I said it.  I'm overall a good person.  I don't know what happened.  I don't know why I felt that guilt.  I am more bored with myself.  She shouldn't have done that!