Christina Barrett: 06/28/12

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I don't know what I was onto about the army but that I felt that things people do make me look funny and makes me feel like people want to hunt me down. There should be a solution.

Some people think it's okay to lie

just to make others happy, to show off. It's not something that's right, though.

I just figured out

the "n" word thing only happened because it was set up and I thought someone wanted me to do it.

and reputations, for whatever reason, feel they are right over you, when life really was made more for them. All white people today get life spoon fed to them and still are grumpy, where I'm the opposite.

Something I'm Not Sure Of

I wonder if it's because of hatred for me or by some coincidence that people care for others in ways that they think is inappropriate for you. I just sense a certain attitude like it's cool and like I can't or shouldn't say anything about it. I thought things like that were nice, but I don't want to be made to hate.

I guess people don't care as much about quality

than they do about being white.

Singing

Before I was told to leave singing, I felt I could conquer a major opera role. I was 18. I went home and was able to sing like anyone, including, who I liked, Renée Fleming. I could sound exactly the same, especially singing at the same time. I made myself shy of myself. It wasn't school that laden-ed me but the way people were all acting when the 2005 and 2006 semesters ensued, but come 2006 and 2007 the magic died down, gradually.

I didn't know other people had the same problem I did.

They think of bad things automatically. Wow, THANKS A LOT.

I shouldn't listen to my parents.

My mom seems to want me to not accept things if they come up when they aren't supposed to, even though she does that.

My dad and little brother seem to want me to be affected when I have to make a decision to change my life to the point I'm maimed.

I don't really feel much, but I'm like a machine, a complicated machine, as are all people complicated.

So....

I never try to make people feel bad, but I've been made to feel like I'm tacky when I'm thinking of something I like.

So, why does it matter with me

about deserving something but not with others?

People have already figured the "n" word thing with me is a conspiracy and not an injury of the mind.

People do bad things

yet are trained to put on a grin.

I wonder how many people are Native American or Jewish.

Who cares about this "n" word thing?

It's not a big deal to me in that it's not something important, it's not something that should be done.

I've always been respected for being right.

I'm tired of this disgusting influence of other people seeing into my life! I went to the gym yesterday, and almost every loser thought of the word "shit" or "lesbian" when they saw me going and leaving.

Why punish me for something that slips my mind?

When it's something you do around me?

Plus, why make punishment torture and injury?

So, did they know I'd get in trouble

theoretically when they told me to use the "n" word on them? Well, seemed to want me to, definitely, altogether, and they were being mean to me, also...?

I know what people are doing.

I was in their shoes once.

People think this is the opportunity

to get at me.

I don't like when people toss up things and make them seem true in circumstance when at heart that's actually not how it is...

I've always been considered a good person.

People think they can be sarcastic around me like the world means nothing, and when I try to be complicated and explain the meaning of the world in my words and actions I get slighted.

I guess white people

... or Europeans ... can be insulted.

My standards have been lowered literally.

I thought I was a good person, but suddenly I don't matter, none of my thoughts nor dreams.

Favors

Some people are nice to you, but that doesn't mean you should ruin your life like everyone else because someone made a sacrifice for you, which you probably denied.

Some people are allowed to feel certain things

they shouldn't.

I know I've always dealt with my feelings.

People can't suddenly say they're better than me. Everyone's "better" in some way. I'm not to be extracted from the majority as the loser.

People get mad easily.

Obviously, I don't. I'm pretty picky, though, but that's merely a facet of my personality.

People With Obscure Figures

You know people who think they're more white, regardless of if they are or not, who have like slit eyes and sorta fat sagging though they have a bony figure? They think they hold some connection to how you're supposed to look but that they are above and beyond because they don't do it.

Christina Barrett